June 17

I've thought about what to write for days (maybe weeks) now. June is tough. Last year on June 17th I was newly pregnant with Taran, throwing up multiple times a day which did little to distract me from my grief. I expected the one-year mark since my dad died to be difficult but I didn't realize just how hard it would be. Last June 17th we took Odin to get a chocolate milkshake and bought him a new book, two things his Grandpa Ron would have loved. We honored my dad with our LIVESTRONG walk on Father's day. 


This year I anticipated June would be hard but my grief combined with returning to work after my maternity leave and other stresses going on, I'm sometimes hit by sadness so strong it takes my breath away. 


I was speaking with someone a few weeks ago about loss. The woman lost both her mom and dad in a one-year period. She was practically a stranger to me but we had such a strong connection that we both spoke with incredible honesty about how hard it was to survive the overwhelming grief. She told me she just now, almost 8 years after her parents' deaths, she is finally starting to feel "somewhat normal" again. Or a "new" normal, not overcome with grief on a daily basis. It almost made me feel better though, to know it isn't abnormal to still struggle with sadness. 


I miss my dad every day. My grief is not as raw as it was 2 years ago on the day he died, as I called friends and family to tell them the news, called to arrange to have his hospital bed taken from the house, or when Odin woke up that morning and I had to tell him his beloved grandpa was gone but the grief is still here, always present. One of the calls I had to make the day my dad died was to a close family friend, Frank. When he answered the phone and heard it was me calling, all he said was, "No, just no." It was one of the few calls I actually cried during. I was on auto-pilot and held it together for my almost-10-month old baby boy for most of the day. Those first few days after my dad died were a blur and I have trouble remembering specific things yet others stick out in my mind. I remember the way my mom lovingly and patiently took care of my dad during his entire illness. I remember not knowing what to say when someone on the airplane asked if it was Odin's first flight as we flew to California to say goodbye. I remember nursing Odin at the cemetery as we made arrangements and rocking him to sleep for a nap at the funeral home. Of those days I want to remember most was the night Odin and I arrived, went straight to my dad's room and sat on his bed. June 16th. I told him I loved him and he said, with his eyes closed, "yeah." It was one-syllable but exactly what I needed to hear. Odin then touched his face, and my dad smiled. He loved his grandson something fierce. He died the next morning. That "yeah" and his smile are etched in my mind. 


We tell Odin and Taran about their Grandpa Ron constantly. Odin talks about him like he remembers but I know his memories are stories we have told him. I'm glad for this though, as one of my greatest fears is that my dad will be forgotten. Surely not by me, but by others. 


When I read a good book, I want to tell him. When I am at the ocean, I think of him. When Odin shakes his fork like I taught him to do like his Grandpa, I think of him. I worry I'm starting to forget little things about him, the way his hugs felt, how he played with the collar of his shirt, the way he embarrassed me when I was a teenager by kicking his sandal off his foot across the aisle at the grocery store, or the exact sound of his laugh. I hate that things are slowly fading away. So I'll do what I can to hold on to him and keep his memory alive for his grandsons by telling them stories and showing them pictures. I'll think of all the wonderful memories I have of growing up with the most caring, funny, and loving father. I'll focus on the 27 years I was parented by him. I'll work to write down the things I want Odin and Taran to know about him to share with them one day. 


I'll be sad today and that's okay. I'll be sad for me and my mom and my brother and Tam. I'll be sad for everyone that loves my dad. I'll be thankful for the time I did have with him. I will go to work and try my best to not loose it completely. I will hold my wonderful husband and two beautiful boys close and be thankful for people in my life that bring me laughter and joy every day. And I'll be missing my dad.